Hardest drug to quit

She is the hardest drug I’ve ever had to quit. Sitting here in tears, I can promise you this, the love I had for her was very real and I loved everything about her. She was intoxicating. She gained strength from the universe, from nature ; Mother Earth herself. She would glance to the sky with closed eyes and welcomed the suns glorious rays with her intoxicating smile, to charge her soul. To touch her was electrifying. I sensed her presence her deepest feelings and I was drawn to her. The world felt full of possibilities when we decided to be together no matter the cost. The connection was real, the world was finally alive with variations of colors and brightness I had never seen before! I had never felt more sure of myself and my decision, I was invincible. We danced in the moonlight with unapologetic recklessness. With a never ending soundtrack of music always playing we burned our candle at both ends, in an unspoken yet understood and deliberate way. We were always pushing the envelope , as if this were a race to see how quickly we can kill the light.

As we drove down this beautiful winding coastal relationship road, wind in our hair holding hands and singing to the music, we were alive with LOVE. She understood me and I understood her. We loved each other unconditionally. I accepted her madness and she mine. Nothing was impossible, I wanted her as my wife with every cell in my being. I trusted her completely.

I opened my heart and soul, laid myself naked at her feet. I allowed her to see all my scars, bruises and unhealed wounds. She saw the shame, guilt and feelings of worthlessness I’d used to stop the bleeding. As with any story, there is naturally a twist and mine is no exception. She would eventually betrayed me, in the worst way one could to someone with my demons. And then she used the parts of me I shared with her to hurt me. She weaponized my vulnerability into blades and cut deeper with each betrayal and lie, cruelty became the point. Her exit rivaled her entrance for chaos and grandeur, she’s truly beautiful and amazing in action. And so just like that, the candle was out and our time had come to an end. I’ll never know why she betrayed me, that will always haunt me. I can only suspect that she too isn’t a healed secure person with her own addictions and dragons to slay. That is why I believe, even after all the utterly unbearable pain I felt, I feel. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her and think about her. She is the hardest drug I’ve ever had to quit. But I was given no choice. So I’m sitting with the pain, so I can learn my lessons, so I can start to heal. But I miss her.