I always have done better with someone to love. I excelled at life when I had someone who needed me and loved me. But the need part, to me, meant love. It wasn’t until I was all alone that I discovered this Achilles heal. When it’s just me, I have no desire to achieve anything. I have no reason to wake , no reason to bathe, no reason to move. I will not eat for days nor care for myself unless I’m expecting company. I’ve realized that without someone to love me, I can’t even pretend to love myself. I’ve been through therapy and programs, I know my perception of things is skewed. I know that there are actual brain abnormalities that make me feel as much as I do. I also know that it’s nature and lack of nurture that left me with this beautiful double edge sword of a gift. I love with a passion and intensity that is hardly matched and I also hurt the same.
I use to think knowledge was power. I suppose it still is a type of power. It can give strength to persevere, to those who see a light. It can also just drive others deeper into a hole of self hatred and regret, when they realize they orchestrated their own demise. So, her I sit writing this at the lowest point I can remember in my adult years. Regretting leaving my family and wife. Regretting all the actions that then followed, regretting that I am the one who brought me here to my knees.
I am all alone with no job, no money, no support and no hope. Make no mistake, I unconsciously choose this path. That doesn’t matter though. I deserve all that comes my way for the exit. The only sense of “family” I ever had, I burned in the night. Sobriety left me with feelings and thoughts neither of us were prepared to deal with and it happened so fast. Then like a fish to water I exchanged the booze for drugs to mask my pain and I rode that training til the very end. I’m ready to get off.
So here I am at rock bottom or surely to GOD close. I m too old to start over and to damaged to be loved. I have no idea where this whirlwind ends but I hope it’s quick and painless. I’m tired, so very tired of trying to figure out who I am or trying to love myself. Maybe that’s not for everyone. Maybe the sad songs are such great songs because they are written by those who never heal. The things I’ve learned about life are that people will always leave, no one really loves you for you and the best way to keep people around is to please them. It’s an easy task for those who don’t know themselves or love themselves, we all make trade offs In life right?
“And so it goes and so it goes and so will you soon I suppose” – Billy Joel
Lola Trying 