I have made a mess of my life. Not a little mess or slight mess, no. I go big or go home. I made a mess that only someone who truly didn’t love themselves would make. I was living a life that most people would have envied. A beautful wife and 2 well adjusted, smart and beautiful girls. Girls we raised into women and whom have married and had children of their own. I had a beautiful house, good job, a few dogs. I was never hungry, thirsty, abused or without. I spent summers with my grandkids who adored me and an extended family by marriage that I myself did not have. Yet I was in a pool of misery and pain so deep, that my only way of functioning was self medication. And the day I stopped drinking was the day I began to see that the implosion of my life was inevitable. See, Mental health is a tricky thing. It’s hidden by many. You don’t see an outside physical indicator if someone isn’t mentally health. Many people work so hard at hiding pain through humor that it becomes who they are without anyone recognizing why they are so funny. There are many of us out there who will do everything, not to feel anything, while pretending that everything is fine.
My life had become such a delicate balance of maladaptive behaviors that shielded me from feeling, that when one was removed i began to question the truth. I thought my new found sobriety was bringing me clarity. Made sense to me. But the truth is , life isn’t so linear and realty is just a loose agreement we all agree is now. But I did not anticipate the flood of a 1000 years to overflow the banks of my ability to handle the freshly filled stream. I had no idea what was real. So the years of pain and anger came rushing like a raging storm. My mind began to build a narrative that made sense to me that led me to this point and I left. 21 years and I slipped out like a thief in the night. In hindsight, It was a flight response and boy howdy did I fly.
So much more I should add to this story, so much more to say. But the details don’t always matter do they? Of course they do. But as we established earlier, reality isn’t the same for all. I’d just be giving my version of the rest and it seems unfair to the others. I digress. What happened next was a blessing and a curse that left me in bankruptcy, broken hearted, unable to trust myself, forgive myself or even want to advocate for myself anymore. Although I never did advocate for myself, I never choose me. My poor choices and inability to reestablish my equilibrium of sanity (later to be identified as co-dependency) led me into the spiral of which I am whipping around in today.
I’ve always been sad behind closed doors and nothing close to sad in public. I’ve always wore a mask of necessity and most of my life gently directed by a teacher or manager or older friend… someone who “told me” what the next step would be. For most of my adult life that job fell to those who lucked out in being in a relationship with me. I’ve been alone for 10 months and the experiment of sink or swim has about played itself out. I’ve been treading water for some time now and I’m getting tired. I know I can save myself logically, but truly I just can’t bring myself to make me “want” to do that. I’m learning lessons everyday and I’ve reached out for help. I know I can’t do this alone. I think I’m willing to give myself the same grace I would extend others. I feel like I can, I want to logically. But I really don’t want to in my heart and soul and that’s why I know that’s exactly what I should do. I have no idea what’s about to happen to my life , but it will change. My fear was always loosing those I love. My biggest concern was always being loved. Turns out I need to love me first.
Lola Trying 