It’s been a year since the dark day that almost broke me. There are times I feel like I’ve grown by leaps and bounds and yet there feels like there’s more to learn. As I spend my time, mainly alone, with my thoughts… I have no choice but to acknowledge the party crashing “feelings” that typically arrive soon after. Like the dreaded hangover to a night of libations, the older I get the harder it becomes to shake off “feelings”. So I’ve recently decided, internally of course, to just let the feelings come. It’s tiring to hide and the game of distraction avoidance and numbing has become cliché at best. It’s time to face that of which I fear. I’m realizing hard truths. I’m recognizing the damage I see in others is also within myself, either repaired or unseen. I’m allowing myself to acknowledge that I have also damaged others. I’m trying to extend myself forgiveness for those very acts. I’ve held a conversation with my inner logic that reads like a Brene Brown book. I’ve accepted that Pink is my spirit animal and “I’m not broken , just bent”. With this acknowledgment also comes the reality that I alone am the one who can unbend me.
“By acknowledging one’s flaws, even the very painful ones, only then are you equipped to overcome them.” – me part 2 , chapter 3
So I’m here recognizing my flaws once again. Gathering the energy needed to move forward to become unstuck once again… but this time, it’s only to save me. I’ve never been good at self motivation. If self love is the only motivator, I typically pass on said activity . Self preservation however, that’s another story. It’s like I’ve been waiting for my travel companion who doesn’t exist, so my trip is being delayed. Yet, I’m perfectly capable of traveling alone. If only I believed in myself.
So it’s come down to this and it’s time to decide, I’m not getting any younger. I can jump full force into a completely unknown path and let the chips fall where they may. Or I can continue on this “ground hog day” path. I’m sure there’s a middle ground, but I’m more of a “go big or go home”, type gal. I choose to live or die. I can continue to sit on my ass or start busting my ass. The later, of course being the best answer. No one’s ever got a job just by sitting on the couch. So to achieve my vision of grandeur (which I so frequently see in GenX and truly believe, can be completely attributed to Cable tv. Another story for another day I suppose 😊) I must unstick myself. It’s time to face the uncomfortable feelings and acknowledge the truths behind some of my favorite long terms lies to self. Where to begin ….
Lola Trying 