Through the Fire

Life is funny sometimes. Not funny, ha-ha, but funny strange. Most of us seek human connection and the desire to be loved from birth. We ultimately look for a version of love in childhood, love in our teen years and ultimately in our adult life via relationships. We purposely spend our entire lives searching for love and yet having no idea what it looks like.

The love we desire, the love that can bring us so much joy and so much happiness can also bring a sadness and pain that feels as though it is crushing ones very soul. The rub about love is that we have no control over it. We don’t pick and choose who we fall in love with it just happens. Sometimes it builds like a slow rolling storm and other times it hits like an unexpected hurricane.

Sometimes we are ready for love and welcome the storm with open arms and other times we may find that the storm, although beautiful in all its glory of light and sound, is only going to cause damage. And yet there are times where we wish the storm WOULD breach our walls. We want to feel the raw power of the moment as the lightning pulses through one’s body. To hell with damage, sometimes it’s best to just demolish the ruins and start over on a new foundation.

It’s a conundrum of the mind & heart. The classic, shall I go left or shall I go right, scenario. You can weigh out the pros and cons, logically listing the good and bad. You will assign weight to each item based on importance and tally up the score. If one wins you go one way and if the other wins you go down another path. But can you really trust the results? Because, if you weren’t completely honest while listing and weighing, the results would be skewed. Can you trust the results of a self administered test? Do you trust the heart or the mind? Someone will lose either way, eventually, as time and the universe always work at their own predestined pace.

Can you live without knowing? Without at least feeling like you gave it a shot. But then will you always wonder if you made the right choice? What if you know you didn’t? Then you are right back where you were. But maybe it was the right choice, maybe you didn’t get what you wanted, but maybe it was what you needed. Perhaps the only true way out is through the fire. The only real way to know the whole truth. Start by asking yourself how you envisioned the questions above. Which side won?

I buried the lead, only considered poor form if unintentional. I received my final decree of divorce today. I just sign and send and just like that 21 years of my life are officially historic. I also have a job interview and have asked for a salary evaluation at my current job. I’ve reached out on bumble to see if I can find my tribe and for those of you who haven’t read about me. I’m 6 months and 29 days Sober. I moved 1800 miles to a city I didn’t know, to a place I’d visited once, when the divorce/work/life/sobriety/mental health all collided. That was 5 months ago. The financial toll was enormous and I’m strapped for bills now and my credit took a nose dive. I am 5 classes away from completing my BA and I struggle everyday more then I have in years. I’m learning to live in my new reality. I’m still IN the fire. And as such I have no choice but to complete my journey through. As long as I keep moving forward this too shall pass.